Take the Journey

The purpose of this blog is to reach out to those struggling with any type of eating disorder as well as the family and friends that desire to stick by a loved one’s side during their fight for recovery. It has been five years since I went to treatment at The Renfrew Center of Florida for my eating disorder, and it has been about two years since I have been walking in recovery. Although I have recovered from my eating disorder, it does not mean that there are never times where I think of food or my body image negatively. Recovery is a daily battle that gets easier over time. I hope that this blog captures an audience of people who want to hear a real story, a real journey, and possibly a bit of wisdom I have learned along the way. This blog is not to encourage eating disorders by any means, but to offer an opportunity for others to feel connected to someone who has found hope in an everlasting God.

The Lord called me to start writing at the beginning of this summer, and I feel that it is now time to be obedient to that calling. I am finding myself in an exciting, adventurous, stressful, and peculiar season of life. This past year so far has brought about memories of my days in treatment and counseling, so I decided to share a little about myself before I ever start giving any advice. Despite my state of recovery, I still experience trials that produce endurance so that I may continue to grow in wisdom by the grace of God.

                Coming into this year, I thought that I would be on top of a mountain, stress- and care-free, yet my exciting moments have also led to a lot of searching for answers, healing old hurts, and learning new lessons. I got engaged to a handsome fiancé named Josh on New Year’s Eve; I turned 21; I graduated from college; I moved into a new apartment; I got my first “big girl” job; I am getting married in almost a month. I feel like I am living in a fairy-tale, yet the tale always consists of a journey.

There is no way that I can gain your trust without being honest with you. You may be reading this and find some things I say surprising, or you may read this and find that I am part of a saddening statistic. You may also find that you understand because you have been in similar places. I was sexually abused during pieces of my childhood. That can never be changed, and I have accepted the facts. Fortunately, my perspective has changed because of people who extended grace and showed me the love of Christ.

After the events that took place, it was suddenly brought to my attention that I was battling an eating disorder. Never once did I imagine that I would hear those words come out of Miss Joan’s (a close friend and mentor) mouth when she told my parents in our living room one night. In my denial and bewilderment that someone thought that I had a problem, I never realized that food was my coping mechanism.

It was a voice for me when I felt that the silence of what happened would kill me. It kept me in a state in which I could always be a little girl, pretending that my chastity had not been taken.  It was a friend when I felt lonely. It was a flaw that drove me towards higher standards of perfection that I would never reach. It was a punishment for things that I had never done wrong. Ultimately, I learned that it was an idol that could not fill the holes I had in my heart.

If it is not yet obvious to you, I had a substantial amount of emotional baggage that I could not seem to let anyone else help me carry. I did not reach recovery while I was in treatment despite the fact that I did gain weight. I did not reach recovery through counseling although I gained intuition and insight.

I reached a point of recovery when I was willing to believe the truths found in scripture. This did not happen overnight, but when I reached the end of my rope, I dedicated my thoughts to the Lord. This may sound like a simple task, but if you recognize that you are a sinner just like me, you will understand the depth of this sentence. Synonyms for “dedicate” are: “apply”, “assign”, “commit”, “devote”, “surrender”, and “restrict”. With tears like tsunamis rolling down my face while my weak body was crumpled on the floor, I devoted every amount of energy I had to capturing my thoughts and renewing my mind because God held my only hope. It may have taken me two years to have a healthy relationship with food, my body, and my mind, but the Lord was consistently by my side.

All of this to say, recovery is a process. So if you are longing for hope, you must be willing to take the journey.

Recently, I have found that the journey is still ongoing. This week, I moved into a new apartment by myself until I get married. During the enduring process of sorting through my things and packing up boxes, I felt that I was losing pieces of the little girl inside me. I came across some pictures and jewelry that Miss Joan had given me when I was in elementary and middle school. Miss Joan died of cancer on the same day that I left The Renfrew Center and returned home.

Tears welled up in my eyes when I realized that I did not want to see the little girl in me die too. I longed to see Joan again, and I desired to be the child I once was before the roller coaster that my life became. I held on tightly to the picture that she gave me as if it would somehow make me a little girl again. It did not take me long to realize that I needed to surrender to the Lord, once again, the little girl in me. The little girl in me has not died, for she still is a part of me. She does not beckon to what was lost, but she has been reconciled through grace due to Jesus’ death on a cross that should have been mine. John 1:16 says, “And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”

When I read more through the book of John in chapter one, I am reminded that I am still a child. John 1:12 says, “But to all who did receive Him, He gave them the right to be children of God, to those who believe in His name…”

If you have an eating disorder or have been abused, I challenge you to take the journey such as me, even if there are bumps in the road. If you are a friend or family member of a loved one in such circumstances, I challenge you to be devoted to sharing truth with them, loving them, and keeping accountability with them.