I Had No Idea

The National Eating Disorder Association’s (NEDA) Awareness Week is coming to a close tomorrow, and I wanted to share a little bit about my story before the week is over. This year’s #NEDAwareness theme is “I had no idea.”

I had no idea that I would ever struggle with anorexia. I had no idea that my world would revolve around thoughts that obsessed over my weight, my curves, or my calorie intake. I had no idea that I would be driven by false perceptions of perfection. I had no idea that I would use food to cover up my pain. I had no idea of the journey that my eating disorder would cause me to take.

I had no idea that it would cause strife in my relationships. I had no idea that I would miss out on school. I had no idea that my family would be hurting. I had no idea that it would cause me to miss out on childhood dreams. I had no idea that I would be a financial burden. I had no idea that it would steal my joy. I had no idea that it would change the direction of my life.

I had no idea that I would end up in a treatment center in Florida. I had no idea that I would be lonely and afraid. I had no idea that I would have to grow up so fast. I had no idea that the doctors couldn’t “fix me.” I had no idea that recovery would be my own choice. I had no idea that I would lose so many friends to death because of their eating disorder. I had no idea if my turn would come. I had no idea that God would allow me to walk through the trial.

I had no idea that so many people supported me. I had no idea that I would have to feel the pain of loss. I had no idea how much I was loved. I had no idea that a treatment center could be a ministry even while I was sick. I had no idea that I would still praise the Lord. I had no idea that I would ever struggle with depression and anxiety. I had no idea that I could overcome.

I had no idea that recovery would be so difficult. I had no idea that I could make it out alive. I had no idea that I had so many prayer warriors behind me. I had no idea how much I was loved. I had no idea how many girls looked up to me. I had no idea that I could overcome.

I had no idea that I would ever play sports again. I had no idea that I could graduate from college. I had no idea that my family could be mended. I had no idea that so much joy comes through so much pain. I had no idea that I could stand on top of the mountain. I had no idea how much recovery would be worth the fight every single day. I had no idea that I lacked so much wisdom. I had no idea that it is so important to pray. I had no idea that I would dream again. I had no idea that God would choose me. I had no idea that I would help others through their battle. I had no idea that I would overcome.

Now I know that I am cherished and loved. Now I know that my eating disorder didn’t define me. Now I know that God created me as His beloved child. Now I know that I can seek help if I need it. Now I know I don’t have to live life on my own. Now I know the depths of the truth of the Word. Now I know that healing comes through the washing of the Water. Now I know that new dreams are born from old ones that are lost. Now I know that every trial is worth the triumph that comes. Now I know to eucharisteo. Now I know joy in every moment. Now I know where my hope is found.

#NEDAwareness

The NEDA symbol - a symbol of recovery that I painted in treatment during my first week in 2009.