Dispelling the Voice

“Never before was there such a thing as a flattering lie,
At least not until we listened to them.
We opened up our minds to the false accusations.
The ones that tell us we’re not good enough.
The ones that tell us we’re fat.
The ones that remind us of every minute of our pasts.
Our minds have created a whirlwind of chaos,
Soon becoming an utterance of destruction.
Constant noise envelopes our minds.
We try to be present. We try to live our life.
At first we like the noise, the distraction;
But instead of running with the wind,
We are being chased by it.
Instead of having control as to how much we listen, to how much we give in,
We lose all control. It controls us. It pushes us to our limits.
It exceeds our boundaries and pushes our extremities –
Driving us to go farther into the depths.
We are in despair.
We say that we’re fine,
But we are bound, overtaken.
We know the words to say to get away with our way of living.
We say we’ll try to do better, but do we really show verisimilitude?Maybe it’s time that we aver.”

This poem was written shortly after I got out of residential treatment. At this point in my life I was trying to decipher if the voices in my head were truths or lies. Every person that struggles with an eating disorder of any sort hears the constant “eating disorder voice” in her head. I’m sure you are familiar with the voice that is portrayed through the words I had written in the poem. The voice creates contradictions by comparing truths and lies – what the head falsely desires versus the compelling nature for the heart to be good.

Many times in treatment, I learned about this thinking. I was constantly told that I had black and white, also called all or nothing, thinking. I was being driven by negativity and extremes. I felt that controlling these voices made me more out of control than I already was. I could not separate the truths, the lies, the feelings, or the emotions. My misled mind was leading my heart in the wrong direction. My body was dying just so that I could falsely believe I was keeping my life’s vibrancy. I needed a new perspective. Anorexia was trying to keep me alive but it was killing me. So I came to the crossroads where I had to make a choice.

Let anorexia run its course and kill the girl, or allow Sydney to run her race and kill the anorexia. And the same goes with you.

I learned this lesson one mistake, one set back, at a time. You have probably had thoughts similar to mine if you are striving for recovery. This choice, to the person with no eating disorder, seems like it is an easy pick. For the mind that battles an eating disorder, it feels like killing your best friend. Although the eating disorder causes so much strife, it feels comforting and soothing. Although the eating disorder causes so much pain, it is a driving force that is difficult to replicate in another form of motivation. Although the eating disorder causes so much loneliness, it feels as if you are never alone.

The battle here, my friends, is all in the mind. In the midst of the eating disorder, it is hard to believe that you actually have a choice. You get to choose what you want to believe. You get to choose when you want to listen. Then, there is another battle. Once you choose not to believe your eating disorder, you have to choose to dissipate what the voice in your head tells you with the truth, reality. These moments take endurance and a willingness to give every ounce of effort you have into the practice.

The practice of choosing your thoughts takes great discipline, disciplined awareness, and self-talk based on this awareness. The Bible makes this clear as well, and many lessons can be learned about our thoughts based on the scriptures. Romans 12:2 says, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” By this verse we know that we need to renew our mind – switch the lies for the truths, but we do that by capturing each and every thought. 2 Corinthians 10:3-6 states, “For though we live in the body, we do not wage war in an unspiritual way, since the weapons of our warfare are not worldly, but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds. We demolish arguments and every high-minded thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, taking every thought captive to obey Christ. And we are ready to punish any disobedience, once your obedience has been confirmed.” These instructions tell us that we are most definitely fighting a battle, and we must capture our thoughts so that we can demolish our strongholds, in our cases being eating disorders and other issues. Finally, we go back to renewing the mind. After we have captured our thoughts – recognized and seized the lies – we must then replace them with truth. Philippians 4:8 tells us, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

In a daily battle, I know that it is not easy. I’m in recovery, and I still have to go through this process every day whether it is an eating disorder type of thought or just something that is not of the Lord. In reality, this process takes place through self-talk. Just as the eating disorder voice is loud and clear in your head, your own voice can be heard just as clear if you allow it to speak and allow yourself to listen. I remind myself of the truth; I remind myself of my goals; I remind myself that I can’t be perfect; I remind myself that I am loved; I remind myself that I am beautiful; I remind myself that the Lord is by my side; I remind myself of so many things. The self-talk is the process, and you will learn what works and what does not.  In an even more practical sense, you can make a list of lies and the truths that overpower them. The more you see, act on, and believe in the truth, the clearer your perspective will be.

Beloved, remain steadfast as you choose to endure. The trial is worth the fight!

For more verses that help with capturing your thoughts and renewing your mind, check out these verses:

-          Isaiah 26:3

-          2 Timothy 1:7

-          Proverbs 4:23

-          James 1:8

-          Matthew 15:11

-          Ephesians 4:22-24

-          Colossians 3:1-2

-          Luke 21:34

-          Galatians 5:1

-          Jeremiah 29:11-13

-          1 John 4:4

-          Psalm 19:14

-          Psalm 27:13

-          James 4:7