I Had No Idea

The National Eating Disorder Association’s (NEDA) Awareness Week is coming to a close tomorrow, and I wanted to share a little bit about my story before the week is over. This year’s #NEDAwareness theme is “I had no idea.”

I had no idea that I would ever struggle with anorexia. I had no idea that my world would revolve around thoughts that obsessed over my weight, my curves, or my calorie intake. I had no idea that I would be driven by false perceptions of perfection. I had no idea that I would use food to cover up my pain. I had no idea of the journey that my eating disorder would cause me to take.

I had no idea that it would cause strife in my relationships. I had no idea that I would miss out on school. I had no idea that my family would be hurting. I had no idea that it would cause me to miss out on childhood dreams. I had no idea that I would be a financial burden. I had no idea that it would steal my joy. I had no idea that it would change the direction of my life.

I had no idea that I would end up in a treatment center in Florida. I had no idea that I would be lonely and afraid. I had no idea that I would have to grow up so fast. I had no idea that the doctors couldn’t “fix me.” I had no idea that recovery would be my own choice. I had no idea that I would lose so many friends to death because of their eating disorder. I had no idea if my turn would come. I had no idea that God would allow me to walk through the trial.

I had no idea that so many people supported me. I had no idea that I would have to feel the pain of loss. I had no idea how much I was loved. I had no idea that a treatment center could be a ministry even while I was sick. I had no idea that I would still praise the Lord. I had no idea that I would ever struggle with depression and anxiety. I had no idea that I could overcome.

I had no idea that recovery would be so difficult. I had no idea that I could make it out alive. I had no idea that I had so many prayer warriors behind me. I had no idea how much I was loved. I had no idea how many girls looked up to me. I had no idea that I could overcome.

I had no idea that I would ever play sports again. I had no idea that I could graduate from college. I had no idea that my family could be mended. I had no idea that so much joy comes through so much pain. I had no idea that I could stand on top of the mountain. I had no idea how much recovery would be worth the fight every single day. I had no idea that I lacked so much wisdom. I had no idea that it is so important to pray. I had no idea that I would dream again. I had no idea that God would choose me. I had no idea that I would help others through their battle. I had no idea that I would overcome.

Now I know that I am cherished and loved. Now I know that my eating disorder didn’t define me. Now I know that God created me as His beloved child. Now I know that I can seek help if I need it. Now I know I don’t have to live life on my own. Now I know the depths of the truth of the Word. Now I know that healing comes through the washing of the Water. Now I know that new dreams are born from old ones that are lost. Now I know that every trial is worth the triumph that comes. Now I know to eucharisteo. Now I know joy in every moment. Now I know where my hope is found.

#NEDAwareness

The NEDA symbol - a symbol of recovery that I painted in treatment during my first week in 2009.

Dispelling the Voice

“Never before was there such a thing as a flattering lie,
At least not until we listened to them.
We opened up our minds to the false accusations.
The ones that tell us we’re not good enough.
The ones that tell us we’re fat.
The ones that remind us of every minute of our pasts.
Our minds have created a whirlwind of chaos,
Soon becoming an utterance of destruction.
Constant noise envelopes our minds.
We try to be present. We try to live our life.
At first we like the noise, the distraction;
But instead of running with the wind,
We are being chased by it.
Instead of having control as to how much we listen, to how much we give in,
We lose all control. It controls us. It pushes us to our limits.
It exceeds our boundaries and pushes our extremities –
Driving us to go farther into the depths.
We are in despair.
We say that we’re fine,
But we are bound, overtaken.
We know the words to say to get away with our way of living.
We say we’ll try to do better, but do we really show verisimilitude?Maybe it’s time that we aver.”

This poem was written shortly after I got out of residential treatment. At this point in my life I was trying to decipher if the voices in my head were truths or lies. Every person that struggles with an eating disorder of any sort hears the constant “eating disorder voice” in her head. I’m sure you are familiar with the voice that is portrayed through the words I had written in the poem. The voice creates contradictions by comparing truths and lies – what the head falsely desires versus the compelling nature for the heart to be good.

Many times in treatment, I learned about this thinking. I was constantly told that I had black and white, also called all or nothing, thinking. I was being driven by negativity and extremes. I felt that controlling these voices made me more out of control than I already was. I could not separate the truths, the lies, the feelings, or the emotions. My misled mind was leading my heart in the wrong direction. My body was dying just so that I could falsely believe I was keeping my life’s vibrancy. I needed a new perspective. Anorexia was trying to keep me alive but it was killing me. So I came to the crossroads where I had to make a choice.

Let anorexia run its course and kill the girl, or allow Sydney to run her race and kill the anorexia. And the same goes with you.

I learned this lesson one mistake, one set back, at a time. You have probably had thoughts similar to mine if you are striving for recovery. This choice, to the person with no eating disorder, seems like it is an easy pick. For the mind that battles an eating disorder, it feels like killing your best friend. Although the eating disorder causes so much strife, it feels comforting and soothing. Although the eating disorder causes so much pain, it is a driving force that is difficult to replicate in another form of motivation. Although the eating disorder causes so much loneliness, it feels as if you are never alone.

The battle here, my friends, is all in the mind. In the midst of the eating disorder, it is hard to believe that you actually have a choice. You get to choose what you want to believe. You get to choose when you want to listen. Then, there is another battle. Once you choose not to believe your eating disorder, you have to choose to dissipate what the voice in your head tells you with the truth, reality. These moments take endurance and a willingness to give every ounce of effort you have into the practice.

The practice of choosing your thoughts takes great discipline, disciplined awareness, and self-talk based on this awareness. The Bible makes this clear as well, and many lessons can be learned about our thoughts based on the scriptures. Romans 12:2 says, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” By this verse we know that we need to renew our mind – switch the lies for the truths, but we do that by capturing each and every thought. 2 Corinthians 10:3-6 states, “For though we live in the body, we do not wage war in an unspiritual way, since the weapons of our warfare are not worldly, but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds. We demolish arguments and every high-minded thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, taking every thought captive to obey Christ. And we are ready to punish any disobedience, once your obedience has been confirmed.” These instructions tell us that we are most definitely fighting a battle, and we must capture our thoughts so that we can demolish our strongholds, in our cases being eating disorders and other issues. Finally, we go back to renewing the mind. After we have captured our thoughts – recognized and seized the lies – we must then replace them with truth. Philippians 4:8 tells us, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

In a daily battle, I know that it is not easy. I’m in recovery, and I still have to go through this process every day whether it is an eating disorder type of thought or just something that is not of the Lord. In reality, this process takes place through self-talk. Just as the eating disorder voice is loud and clear in your head, your own voice can be heard just as clear if you allow it to speak and allow yourself to listen. I remind myself of the truth; I remind myself of my goals; I remind myself that I can’t be perfect; I remind myself that I am loved; I remind myself that I am beautiful; I remind myself that the Lord is by my side; I remind myself of so many things. The self-talk is the process, and you will learn what works and what does not.  In an even more practical sense, you can make a list of lies and the truths that overpower them. The more you see, act on, and believe in the truth, the clearer your perspective will be.

Beloved, remain steadfast as you choose to endure. The trial is worth the fight!

For more verses that help with capturing your thoughts and renewing your mind, check out these verses:

-          Isaiah 26:3

-          2 Timothy 1:7

-          Proverbs 4:23

-          James 1:8

-          Matthew 15:11

-          Ephesians 4:22-24

-          Colossians 3:1-2

-          Luke 21:34

-          Galatians 5:1

-          Jeremiah 29:11-13

-          1 John 4:4

-          Psalm 19:14

-          Psalm 27:13

-          James 4:7

Surrender - Time to Raise the White Flag

I haven’t gotten to share this blog as quickly as I had hoped between work, traveling home to North Carolina, and getting married. The wedding was fabulous and we played in the rain. Thanks for asking ;) now on to being a big girl in wifehood.

On a more serious note though, I have been praying about the topic in which I would share with you next. I feel that I have a lot of advice from lessons that I learned the hard way on my journey to recovery from my eating disorder. As I pondered and prayed about the order of topics that I would share with you, the Lord laid two things on my heart.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, the two building blocks for starting your journey towards recovery lie in surrender and renewing your mind. I discussed these topics briefly a couple of weeks ago, so I hope that my story is still fresh in your mind.

As if coming out of denial of your eating disorder is not difficult enough, listening to someone telling you to surrender control is even more difficult. I know because I've done it. Eating disorders are all about having control in a chaotic world just for a moment, even if it is fleeting.  In the moments surrounding the night I cried out to God, I was desperate to be rescued from the life I was living. Like the weight of a ton of bricks, I quickly realized that God would not just allow me to escape my predicament, but I did know deep in my heart that He would walk with me through it.

In the months to follow, the Lord led me to read in the book of Isaiah 44:6-23, and that’s where today’s words of wisdom begins. Because this passage is a little longer, I’ll include some quoted scripture and some summarized scripture.

Isaiah 44:6 says, “…I am the first and I am the last. There is no God but me.” The scriptures continue through verse 8 to talk about how there is no God besides the LORD that knows the future or can establish His people. Then, in verse 9, Isaiah is speaking to the nation of Israel on behalf of the Lord, saying, “All who make idols are nothing, and what they treasure does not profit…” As I read this for the first time, I pictured in my head metal or gold cows or shrines carved out of wood. The further I read into the passage, the further I realized that the image in my head was not too far off, so I wondered why in the world I was reading this part of the Bible. You may be wondering why I am even writing to you about it, but just hang in there.

Verse 13 says, “The woodworker stretches out a measuring line, he outlines it with a stylus; he shapes it with chisels and outlines it with a compass. He makes it according to a human likeness, like a beautiful person, to dwell in a temple.” Later in the chapter, it talks about how this idol served the man, but the man was still unfulfilled and far away from the Lord.

After reading through to verse 20 or so, I began to feel conviction in my heart. Although I had not built physical idols for myself to store in my home or place in a temple, I was using my eating disorder to try to create something beautiful in myself, something that was worth honor or praise. I was doing everything I could to chisel away at my body, to rid myself of memories so that I could control my own thoughts. My eating disorder was my idol. Although I believed in Christ and had accepted Him into my life at a young age, I was living in a state of sin because I wanted to continue carrying my own burdens.

So hold on tight to your seat friends, because if you are struggling with an eating disorder, you too have succumbed to the sin of idolatry. I called you out. You’re welcome. It’s all on the table now. That’s just one sin we struggle with as a part of being human, Christian or non-Christian.

Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” That’s right, every single one of us. Thankfully, this scripture leads to others. Our sin leaves us without hope, but due to the grace of God, He sent His son Jesus to die on a cross. Redemption came for us when he rose from the dead after 3 days, for now he reigns and no evil shall conquer us. Jesus’ death is a payment that was made on behalf of the human race, but only for those who accept it, which does leave us with hope although it may seem daunting. In order to accept His grace, His mercy, His love, and His hope, we have to surrender ourselves to Him.

My favorite part of Isaiah 44 is in verse 22, which states, “I have swept away your sins like a cloud. I have scattered your offenses like the morning mist. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free” (NLT, see other version below). This verse depicts the action that anchors our hope.

If you are tired of the fight on your own, you have the option to surrender. It’s a simple task, but not for the fragile in heart.

For the Christian and non-Christian alike, the first step is requesting forgiveness for living a life of idolatry. Forgiveness is not forgetting. The Lord knows where you have been. God’s forgiveness is the act of treating you with grace and mercy when you should be treated justly.

Next, ask the Lord for help. You cannot go through this journey successfully on your own. I tried it. I relapsed fairly quickly before I realized that I need the Lord’s leadership.

Finally, surrender to the Lord your entire life. Even if it seems frightening in the moment, trust that the Lord has your best interests in mind, for He has a future and a hope for you (Jer. 29:11). For those of you that are Christians, you can surrender by being willing to be obedient to the Lord and acknowledging the truths relayed in the Bible. For the non-Christian, you can pray to God, asking Him to send His Holy Spirit into you heart because you believe that Jesus died on a cross to pay your debt, a debt that began with Adam and Eve in the very beginning of creation.

If you are interested in surrender, but not quite willing to participate, that’s ok. I do want you to ponder what I said, comment below if you have questions, or read through the books of John or Romans to learn more about the life of Jesus Christ. We will touch base on renewing the mind in a later blog. J  

Take the Journey

The purpose of this blog is to reach out to those struggling with any type of eating disorder as well as the family and friends that desire to stick by a loved one’s side during their fight for recovery. It has been five years since I went to treatment at The Renfrew Center of Florida for my eating disorder, and it has been about two years since I have been walking in recovery. Although I have recovered from my eating disorder, it does not mean that there are never times where I think of food or my body image negatively. Recovery is a daily battle that gets easier over time. I hope that this blog captures an audience of people who want to hear a real story, a real journey, and possibly a bit of wisdom I have learned along the way. This blog is not to encourage eating disorders by any means, but to offer an opportunity for others to feel connected to someone who has found hope in an everlasting God.

The Lord called me to start writing at the beginning of this summer, and I feel that it is now time to be obedient to that calling. I am finding myself in an exciting, adventurous, stressful, and peculiar season of life. This past year so far has brought about memories of my days in treatment and counseling, so I decided to share a little about myself before I ever start giving any advice. Despite my state of recovery, I still experience trials that produce endurance so that I may continue to grow in wisdom by the grace of God.

                Coming into this year, I thought that I would be on top of a mountain, stress- and care-free, yet my exciting moments have also led to a lot of searching for answers, healing old hurts, and learning new lessons. I got engaged to a handsome fiancé named Josh on New Year’s Eve; I turned 21; I graduated from college; I moved into a new apartment; I got my first “big girl” job; I am getting married in almost a month. I feel like I am living in a fairy-tale, yet the tale always consists of a journey.

There is no way that I can gain your trust without being honest with you. You may be reading this and find some things I say surprising, or you may read this and find that I am part of a saddening statistic. You may also find that you understand because you have been in similar places. I was sexually abused during pieces of my childhood. That can never be changed, and I have accepted the facts. Fortunately, my perspective has changed because of people who extended grace and showed me the love of Christ.

After the events that took place, it was suddenly brought to my attention that I was battling an eating disorder. Never once did I imagine that I would hear those words come out of Miss Joan’s (a close friend and mentor) mouth when she told my parents in our living room one night. In my denial and bewilderment that someone thought that I had a problem, I never realized that food was my coping mechanism.

It was a voice for me when I felt that the silence of what happened would kill me. It kept me in a state in which I could always be a little girl, pretending that my chastity had not been taken.  It was a friend when I felt lonely. It was a flaw that drove me towards higher standards of perfection that I would never reach. It was a punishment for things that I had never done wrong. Ultimately, I learned that it was an idol that could not fill the holes I had in my heart.

If it is not yet obvious to you, I had a substantial amount of emotional baggage that I could not seem to let anyone else help me carry. I did not reach recovery while I was in treatment despite the fact that I did gain weight. I did not reach recovery through counseling although I gained intuition and insight.

I reached a point of recovery when I was willing to believe the truths found in scripture. This did not happen overnight, but when I reached the end of my rope, I dedicated my thoughts to the Lord. This may sound like a simple task, but if you recognize that you are a sinner just like me, you will understand the depth of this sentence. Synonyms for “dedicate” are: “apply”, “assign”, “commit”, “devote”, “surrender”, and “restrict”. With tears like tsunamis rolling down my face while my weak body was crumpled on the floor, I devoted every amount of energy I had to capturing my thoughts and renewing my mind because God held my only hope. It may have taken me two years to have a healthy relationship with food, my body, and my mind, but the Lord was consistently by my side.

All of this to say, recovery is a process. So if you are longing for hope, you must be willing to take the journey.

Recently, I have found that the journey is still ongoing. This week, I moved into a new apartment by myself until I get married. During the enduring process of sorting through my things and packing up boxes, I felt that I was losing pieces of the little girl inside me. I came across some pictures and jewelry that Miss Joan had given me when I was in elementary and middle school. Miss Joan died of cancer on the same day that I left The Renfrew Center and returned home.

Tears welled up in my eyes when I realized that I did not want to see the little girl in me die too. I longed to see Joan again, and I desired to be the child I once was before the roller coaster that my life became. I held on tightly to the picture that she gave me as if it would somehow make me a little girl again. It did not take me long to realize that I needed to surrender to the Lord, once again, the little girl in me. The little girl in me has not died, for she still is a part of me. She does not beckon to what was lost, but she has been reconciled through grace due to Jesus’ death on a cross that should have been mine. John 1:16 says, “And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”

When I read more through the book of John in chapter one, I am reminded that I am still a child. John 1:12 says, “But to all who did receive Him, He gave them the right to be children of God, to those who believe in His name…”

If you have an eating disorder or have been abused, I challenge you to take the journey such as me, even if there are bumps in the road. If you are a friend or family member of a loved one in such circumstances, I challenge you to be devoted to sharing truth with them, loving them, and keeping accountability with them.